my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
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*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
“How’s your day going?”
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok