My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
You Might Also Like
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Not all heroes wear capes…
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers