Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?

Pac-Man: *deep breath*

i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS

My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.

[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]

Me: one internet please

I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.

I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window

Me: Two men enter, one man leaves

Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?

[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]

“Who are you eating?”

The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.

Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.

My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.

doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?

me: does sex count?

doctor: yes

me: then no

Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”

me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*

9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention

Wife: no it’s your birthday

Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with

Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.

To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…

Are you okay? How does that even happen?

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.

*waving two guns around menacingly*

WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE

therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?

me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me

therapist: no

What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?

Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?

My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.

you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.

At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…

Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.

The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.

I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat

ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night

TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how