Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.

[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing

I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly

friend saw this guy on the apps lol

I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.

‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.

‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween

DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts

Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.

I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.

i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us

I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life

When you’re Kinky but poor

Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother

[first date]

HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.

ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.

MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*

ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.

All those years of karate training wasted …

I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….

Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.

The Times are rough.

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.

Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly

Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts

Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.

Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me

My favorite sport ? Lasagna

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

[Movie: Romance]

Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!

Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…

Him: K… forget it…

My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye

I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.