My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
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i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768