My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
You Might Also Like
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?