My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
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Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Ape together strong
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?