My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
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Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]