Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye

She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.

*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??

[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway

Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.

If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.

assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%

shrink ray company CEO: excellent

Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.

Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.

My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”

Ladies, if he:

– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteries

He’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.

I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey

If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.

You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.

i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.

Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!

Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.

Other times they’re awake.

My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast

[Next morning, after I make pancakes]

My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-

Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*

[blood donor clinic]

dracula: can i order a pint please?

Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?

Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.

Me: There is now.

Lmao

It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.

Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally