my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
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so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
I’m giving up for Lent.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
what’s more important?
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.