Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT

My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.

Girl: I like good boys

Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*

I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely

My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with

“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread

Potatoes were such a good idea

is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan

weird email i got today

prisoner 1: what are you in for?

prisoner 2: murder

prisoner 3: arson

hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.

Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’

I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath

I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me

When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

[first day in prison]

me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open

guard: what

It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.

guys are so hard to buy for

like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??

Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.

12yo: I can hear you.

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?

My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.