My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
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Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?
Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything