My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
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Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
same bro
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
this is literally a CIA plant
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.