Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called them dentures and not substitooths?

If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.

My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying

not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue

I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel

My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day

[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”

I like my coffee like I like my men

Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away

quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes

quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows

quarantine day 7: tequila

guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???

[in living room]

Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it

Where do bad rainbows go?

To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14

Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?

Wife: Well latel-

Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-

Attorney: Ok, got it

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.

I want you to meet my friend “Ami”

My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.

The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed

The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.

I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.

“This smoothie is spicy!”

“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.

i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct

Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down

Me *reads the news out loud*

Spider *depressed* holy shit

*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’

Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.