My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
You Might Also Like
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
