My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
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150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
the three branches of government
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.