My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
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Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.