Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.

When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.

I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond

‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’

and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose

Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.

“How much to hire a church singing group?”

“You mean a choir?”

“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

[taking immortality pills]

wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand

i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out

Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778

Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.

*[At the dinner table]*

“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”

The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout

[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling

Software Development ⛵️

My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…

Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.

Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52

Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?

Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99

My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.

Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.

My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

[coffee shop]

ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]

CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?

ME: No it’s a flyer

Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.