Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!

My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.

Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.

I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.

Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.

“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”

Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.

My boyfriend has the body of a god!

Or the body of God.

Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.

What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.

It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.

June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.

Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”

Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.

In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?

My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.

“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”

is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while

Phone: Unlock using Face ID.

Me: [looks at phone]

Phone: Ugh.

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.

Me: I’m so emotional today

8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!

When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again

the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all

What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.

Essential oils? You mean WD40?

Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.

If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.

[On the couch watching TV]

Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.

I like my men well-rounded

and sweet

and rich

and available

and covered in sprinkles

wait a minute…

that’s donuts

I like donuts

Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses

[During sex]

Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.