@DirtMcTurd: My thoughts today are like underwear, I don't have any clean ones.
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@LindaInDisguise: Me: I'm updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport? Him: You didn't bowl. You kept score. Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
@_davidlucas_: There are 70,000 Jehovah's Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I'll be answering the door naked this weekend.
@Kyle_Lippert: DATING IN THE 1800s 1) Get telegram from Mae 2) Wait to respond. Don't be desperate 3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
@truegritrumble: ME: I'd like to register my kid for school. SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that's a goat. ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.