me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
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processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Aight bet
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
FRED: right
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes