My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
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I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.