My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
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Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
*bites zombie*
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019