My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
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Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does