My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
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I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”
Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup