My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
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Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
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I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET