My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
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I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.