Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?

[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”

I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.

I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.

I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.

[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.

a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???

My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.

mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.

When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.

I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.

As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.

LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.

Tired of actually helping? Try prayer

I got patted down by airport security.

Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.

Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”

Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”

“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig

Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️

If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.

Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.

My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.

ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.

GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.

ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*

GENIE: DAMMIT

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy

I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.

Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.

Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets