My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
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Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*