Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)

Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.

Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.

My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”

Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me

Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.

My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote

My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?

So many people to disappoint, so little time

Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?

Therapist: have you tried meditation?

Me: sure, sometimes when the kids scream my mind goes blank and I float above my body

Therapist: that’s dissociation

Me: potato, potato

ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.

THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.

i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name

Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.

Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?

You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey

I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT

I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.

These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!

i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?

Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused

When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy

99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.

It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.

It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire

Finding Nemo 3:

Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.

Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.

Nemo’s mom finds them.

It’s a revenge tale.

me: how did he die?

him: he was attacked by a gang of geese

me: gaggle?

him: no I think it was a stabbing

If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.

A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.

How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?