My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
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wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,