My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
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If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
#IWishIHadNever noticed
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?
[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…