My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
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When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.