My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
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[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.