Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.

I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.

My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.

damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*

English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”

The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.

{watching a horror movie}

SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!

Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?

Me:…

[Speed date]

Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT

Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.

[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?

“Bring your own beer”

Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat

[recovering from food poisoning]

Me: Finally feeling better

Leftovers in the fridge: You up?

[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”

She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”

Why?

guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking

chef: updog

guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that

My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.

Do NOT do this 🙄🙄

{On Tinder}

ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.

My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.

Me: [watching football]

Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]

Announcer: That was a huge sack!

Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK

In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!