My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona![]()
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For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
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You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith