Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”

Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.

I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.

Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job

Me: what’s the weather like?

Mom: just open the door and find out

Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ

I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.

No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.

Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.

ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why

ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in

Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough

The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi

grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything

IT guy: what seems to be the problem

me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again

IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do

The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.

I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.

My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”

A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them

He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!

Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement

Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.

I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.

We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.

My worst case scenarios:

•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.

Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?

Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!

At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.

Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.

my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.