Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here

I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation

*showing my kids bobsledding clips*

My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.

Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS

I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.

People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.

Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up

Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit

I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.

I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.

My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.

I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.

Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.

Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.

I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”

i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.

Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.

ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]

{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.

I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.

podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in

I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

Had to try this trend 😊