Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
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Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.