my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
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my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
R.I.P.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good