my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
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Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I’m confused about plants
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.