Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back

*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.

So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.

But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”

Staying with my parents, pt. 17:

Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.

Mom: …

Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?

Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.

The Real Housewives of Sesame Street

I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em

I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.

godzilla: *godzilla roar*

me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?

godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack

Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me

👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein

We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.

My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired

The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.

If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,

I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.

Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming

My neopet probably thinks I’m dead

Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*

This publishing job says applicants must currently live in Illinois, but then relocate to Michigan. WTF? Why??

Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.

just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi

My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.

My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.

13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.