my tinder date sounds fun: fingerblaster69. he probably does that finger guns thing. i love that
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Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Before I had sons, I assumed all little boys were Kevin McCallister. Then my older boy was born and he turned out to be Samwise Gamgee. Joy of joy! I went ahead and had another boy and got Kevin McCallister.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”
“Anything in between?”
“Nope”
[Standing ovation]
“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”