My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
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My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime