My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
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Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
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Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
what’s really going on
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere