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DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.