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.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
rebranding
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn