My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
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Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*