My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
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December birthdays be like…
You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real fucking spider.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
This will teach them to underestimate me
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”
– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
This a good idea
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys