My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
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*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
monday
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.