My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
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It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.