My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
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Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?