Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.

Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”

Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.

I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.

ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best

don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good

I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?

Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!

Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥

Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg

Horse: I want to go home

Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99

Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars

“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”

He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.

Alien: This is candy corn?

Me: Yeah

A: But it doesn’t look like-

Me: I know

A: And it tastes like-

Me: I know

A: So this is kinda like grape soda

Me: There ya go

Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.

As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.

Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:

William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black

“Sheer Arrogance”

We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

Ion see the issue

I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.