My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
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1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.