My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
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Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
This a good idea
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.