My tire pressure won’t make up it’s mind. Are we married?
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Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
*me brushing my daughter’s hair
my watch: are you working out?
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows