Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.

Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here

Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”

Cyclops: Wow

Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.

I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

the trade off from turning 50 is you cant see letters up close but you can spot idiots from miles away

Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.

There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.

Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”

“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”

Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…

Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush

My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”

I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

[counseling]

She gets angry a lot

“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”

YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN

I highly suggest that you do not google that term.

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.

Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal

Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.

What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?

Russian roulette.

Me: this a rush song?

Bartender: yeah, you a fan?

Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*

Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work

Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?

As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

Is fructose made with real fruct?