My tire pressure won’t make up it’s mind. Are we married?
You Might Also Like
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve