Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.

Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.

Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.

My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.

Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?

My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.

I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.

I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.

Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.

Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.

Sub-Zero: You first.

Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.

I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks

[at swimming pool]

Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem

EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore

*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?

“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”

Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter

“You gotta be kidding me”

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!

Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.

HR: Get out

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]

353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”

My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.

indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure

idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again

I bet birds love this building.

Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes

Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom

Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.

I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.

Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!

ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?

HER: what? they’re not for sale!

ME: this is preposterous

HER: no, this is a daycare

“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully

Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant