My To Do List: YOU*
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The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Bringing home a sharpie
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Looking forward to all the photos of people putting Luigi on top of their Christmas tree
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.