Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!

ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast

A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism

*puts you on pedestal*

*vacuums where you were standing*

*takes you off pedestal*

Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say

friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU

me: OH NO!

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.

He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…

Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”

Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever

Them: they were singing happy birthday to me

In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time

My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her

How can you tell when a duck is a witch?

Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this

Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president

I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.

Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.

At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?

Me: 40ish

Hmmmmmmm….

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch

Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.

does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual

“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”

I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!

god: you have outlived your purpose

dinosaurs: give us another chance

god: fine

dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this

superman landing like a plane on his belly

So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

what all these pyramids be scheming about?

Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither