Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.

The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.

Social media for large reptiles: Instagator

The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

[Joining a gang]

me: so who do I stab for initiation?

members: again, this is a book club

I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself

There’s never enough good news

Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.

ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.

WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.

Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.

he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts

Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”

I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.

Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-

Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?

son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!

People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!

I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.

Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no

*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape

Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!

*Gets on Twitter*

*Looks up as ship is sailing off*

*learns about complementary colors*

in my head:

red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys

E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band

Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?

If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.

dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone