My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
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You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS