My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
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They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof