My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
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The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
“This cashier is a dipshit.”
– Me at self checkout
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Women are like buses, if you missed the last one, another will be along shortly to run you over.
The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.