My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
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The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?