Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”

-Science

Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me

Peach Farmer: sure

Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free

Peach Farmer: well just hold on now

[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand

Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up

I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours

My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.

Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.

The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.

I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.

Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?

Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.

Banker: What?

Me: What?

Her: I’m a sapiophile

Me: I don’t know what that is

Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence

Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too

My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.

They did not miss in the small print

You know where I’d like to go?
Missing

Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months

kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend

me:

kidnapper:

me: which friend

[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.

I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me

Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN

How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase

My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.