[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
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“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”
“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
GENIE: you have found my lamp, so I must grant you four wishes
ME: I thought it was three?
GENIE: You need four
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
16: Can you hand me one of those food prong things?
Me: A fork??
16: Yes. Do not tweet this.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.