[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
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I will ride you like a helicopter. Totally out of control.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
[God creates walking]
[God creates running]
Humans: haha nope
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.