My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids

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[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”


You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person


[God creates walking]
Humans: nice

[God creates running]
Humans: haha nope


[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself


Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.


“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”

~ The person that is wrong


One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.


My toddler stole bacon off my plate.

We all had a good laugh.

Then I made her move out.


Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.