@GoodnightSanity

My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids

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@WhoTheHeckIsMeg

[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????

@withanewname

[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”

@ewfeez

GENIE: you have found my lamp, so I must grant you four wishes
ME: I thought it was three?
GENIE: You need four

@reallifemommy3

Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!

@SaltyCorpse

16: Can you hand me one of those food prong things?

Me: A fork??

16: Yes. Do not tweet this.

@Home_Halfway

I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”

@Treememories

Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.