My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
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Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*