@GoodnightSanity

My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids

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@rose24_em

21st century divorce:
I want it stipulated that he can’t change the Netflix password.

@Lisa_Laughs_

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

@XGroverX

Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!

@JournalismJunk

The closest I’ve come to a threesome is watching my wife and the nurse roll their eyes at the same time while I’m getting weighed.

@NourHadidi

Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?

@krisv_723

These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.

@perlapell

My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.

@sarcasm_inc

“2015 AND PETSMART STILL DOESN’T HAVE FITTING ROOMS,” I say somewhat loudly as Fluffy has to try on sweaters right there in the aisle.