@GoodnightSanity

My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids

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@MdUNH

Cats are perfect for those who want to experience the indifference and hostility of the workplace in a pet.

@TheBigBatman

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

@AnOrangeSNES

All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer

@JD_Barney

According to my google history, I spent most of last night trying to buy a llama.

@HenpeckedHal

me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?

wife: you deserve this

me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?

wife: we’ll find out