Cats are perfect for those who want to experience the indifference and hostility of the workplace in a pet.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
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Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
According to my google history, I spent most of last night trying to buy a llama.
Him: Tell me about yourself.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out