Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.

“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.

*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*

Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.

My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?

My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”

I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it

I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.

Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?

Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.

Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?

Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.

My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.

Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?

Quasimodo: I have a hunch.

Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?

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-Librarians arguing

*first date*

Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉

Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*

The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one

Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.

Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.

You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?

11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.

Me: Where do you want to eat?

Her: Wherever you pick is fine.

Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.

My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.

You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.

If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.

Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.

Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.

Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.

Me: I’d like to see your music zebras

Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day

Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student