My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
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Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Well, this is awkward
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
All set.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat