My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
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[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
ME: Colman Domingo would make a great Hermes in the Hadestown movie
GUY WHO I’M TRAPPED IN A CAVE WITH: cool but I meant ideas about how we get out of this cave
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.