My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
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growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Finally! 😈
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.
go easy on yourself <3
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
some cats are just doing for fun!
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.