My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
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“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Pizza is an emotion right?
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Me: *trying to sleep*
Gf: Babe?
Me: Hmm?
Her: Why will she be riding six white horses when she comes?
If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill