@TheCatWhisprer

My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.

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@Adam14

Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?

@Cheeseboy22

Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom

@Smooheed

You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof

@donttouchjames

when i was a child i had a huge crush on a girl for like 2 years and one day she told me she liked me and i panicked and replied “i don’t care” and walked away

@danjan13

Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink

@_RobertSchultz

rich people: i want to help

everyone: donate your money

rich people: if only there was something i could do

everyone: donate your money

rich people: some sort of gesture

everyone: donate. your. money.

rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!

@ArfMeasures

ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*

MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?

ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships

@juliussharpe

Hey movie villains – make a bomb where the wires are all one color.

@BlindVigil

“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.

… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”