@TheCatWhisprer

My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.

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@krissywillbretz

[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.

@saucy_peaches

Marriage tips

1. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate bedrooms
3. Separate homes
4. Separate dates w/other ppl
5.
6. Don’t get married

@Writepop

HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?

Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.

HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.

@dumbbeezie

My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken

@CAshmanActor

me: im depressed

therapist: try a good walk

me: will that work

therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*

@JermHimselfish

Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad

Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back

@sskylark

even if you don’t agree with all the spells Merlin cast, you have to respect his role in history and the influence he had on magic.

@BunAndLeggings

[ Quarantine week 2 ]

We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.

@JodingersCat

TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid

Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom

@ozzyunc

Some days it doesn’t seem worth it to burst out of my own grave & terrorize the townsfolk.