My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
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Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
lol
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23