My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.

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[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.


Marriage tips

1. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate bedrooms
3. Separate homes
4. Separate dates w/other ppl
6. Don’t get married


HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?

Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.

HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.


My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken


me: im depressed

therapist: try a good walk

me: will that work

therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*


Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad

Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back


even if you don’t agree with all the spells Merlin cast, you have to respect his role in history and the influence he had on magic.


[ Quarantine week 2 ]

We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.


TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid

Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom


Some days it doesn’t seem worth it to burst out of my own grave & terrorize the townsfolk.